We are Women, Hear Us Roar: Lesson from a Roommate

Last Sunday was an amazing day. I was honored with an award from The Ida B. Wells Living Learning Community at Mary Baldwin College.  As a part of Black History Month 2012, five women were recognized and received the REAL WOMEN REAL WISDOM AWARD.  Each of us was asked to share a “pearl of wisdom” with the girls in the Ida. B. Wells program.  I had several days to think about this and was overwhelmed with the thought of what I could actually share with the girls.  I have learned so much, and I wanted to pass on all of it, but I was asked to share just one thing. I finally settled on sharing an experience that I had sophomore year in college. 

So, I nervously stood before a group of wise women eager to share a “pearl of wisdom” and young college girls who listened intently as they absorbed the valuable lessons.

I told the story of my roommate, Julie.  She was one of my first roommates freshman year at JMU, and she was unlike any girl I had ever met.  Growing up in a house of a mother and five sisters, advice on how a woman/girl should act, including how to respect ourselves and how to demand respect from others, was not in short supply.  But Julie wasn’t in the business of just talking -she embodied all that it meant to be a strong, confident woman.  In fact, one of the first things I remember about her was a poster that she hung in her room….”I am woman, hear me ROAR.” 

“Hear you roar?” I thought, “what the heck does that mean.”

By sophomore year I'd have a better understanding.  Still roommates, I came back to the dorm to find Julie upset and stuffing things into a small cardboard box- a teddy bear, a photo, and several other trinkets.  When I inquired about what was going on, she explained that she was breaking up with her boyfriend because he was playing music that was disrespectful to women while she was in the car with him.  She explained that she had asked him to turn it off, but he didn’t. 

“That’s silly,” I thought. But today I admit that I was actually the silly one.  Silly for not seeing the importance of what she was doing, silly for not recognizing that she was demanding respect.

Looking back, I realize that this was the very first time that I had actually seen a woman demand and receive self-respect.  I had heard about how we should respect ourselves and have we should demand respect from others, but seeing how it worked first hand left an impression on me.  Julie gave her boyfriend an ultimatum- respect me or hit the road.  What an awesome skill to have at such a young age.

I am so grateful for being able to experience this situation. It served as a template for me later in life-not just for relationships but for life in general.  She didn’t give her decision a second thought.  She knew she deserved much more than that, and she wouldn’t settle for anything less.  So, for her, the decision was simple, pack up his things and end the relationship.  The simplicity of it all taught me that when someone isn’t treating you the way you feel you should be treated, then you should go the other way, and fast.  Or more in general, when something isn’t working for you, then you should get rid of it.  Not doing so immediately or delaying that decision compromises one’s self worth.

Instead of picking up his things, her boyfriend apologized and learned that he a prized possession that he wanted to keep.  And keep her he did; they are happily married now with a wonderful batch of kids!

So my message to the girls was to know your self-worth, demand respect, and don’t accept anything less!

Thank you Julie for your strength and example!

Parents do your Homework-A Cautionary Tale

I recently took my son to the doctor for a routine check-up. While there, the doctor alerted me that he didn’t have all of his immunization shots.  The doctor left out of the office and retuned with a printed file, which she had retrieved from a state-wide database that was supposed to show which shots my son had already been given.  This database, which is accessible to every doctor’s office, health department, etc., was established for the purpose of keeping track of a child’s immunization record and is intended to prevent mix-ups and over dosing of shots if a child visits more than one office. 

After reviewing the file, it was determined that not only was he missing some shots that he should have by now, but also that he had been accidently given a double dose of at least one immunization.  Somewhere along the line, the doctors were not accessing and/or inputting new immunizations into the database which lead to a mix-up as to which shots he had already been given and which shots he still needed, and this happens more often then we realize.  I immediately feared what the consequences could be; Would my son develop autism, would he get sick, was he exposed to a lethal dose of medication?  The doctor assured me that there was nothing to worry about.

“You don’t keep a record of your child’s immunization?” the doctor asked.  “No,” I responded, “I never do, I usually just let the doctor handle that.”  For a second afterward I was infuriated by what seemed to be the doctor’s attempt to blame me for this mishap.   But as I thought about it more, it hit me….I AM the parent….why shouldn’t I keep track of this just as I keep track of his school work and his sports, and everything else for that matter.  Why should this situation be any different?

The problem is that often times, parents assume that doctors know EVERYTHING. We take what they say at face value without asking questions because they have that doctorate degree.  But we must keep in mind that doctors are people too. They make mistakes, they overlook facts, and they forget things! 

We must be our child’s top advocate-just as we do at school and on the field!
How do we advocate for our child?

• Do research on prescribed/administered meds. Be sure to pay special attention to how those meds interact with any other meds your child may be taking.
• Take note of how your child responds to the meds. Did it take care of the problem? Did it cause any adverse reactions? Discuss your finding with your doctor.
• Keep track of what is prescribed/administered and why.
•  Ask, “WHY,” and demand that the doctor takes the time to explain it before rushing off to his next patient.   
• Challenge the doctor when you think he is doing something wrong.  We know what is working and what isn’t. Expecting a doctor, who has only seen your child for less than 20 mins in X amount of weeks/months/years, to know everything is absurd.
• Request a copy of your child's medical records every so often-you'd be suprised ti find what is inside sometimes 
• Review your bill for errors in charges, etc. 

Fortunately, my son was spared any harm, but some kids, families, and doctors won’t be so lucky and blessed.  Although there are some systems, like the database, in place to help prevent mistakes,  nothing is full proof. Parents we must become and remain vigilant and informed when it comes to the medical care of our children!

If you Give a Mom a Gift...

If you give a mom a gift, she’ll probably get so excited that she’ll tear the wrapping to pieces just to find out what it is.

When she opens the gift, she’ll smile and say , “Oh Thank you sweet heart this is just what I wanted.” And she’ll put it in her pocket for safekeeping.

Chances are she wants to keep her house clean, so she’ll immediately clean up all the torn pieces and go to put them in the trashcan on the back porch.

Once she reaches the back porch, she’ll see her son’s dirty basketball uniform laying on the floor and remember that he needs it for a game this evening.

Then she’ll immediately realize that there is no detergent in the house.

Sooooo...she’ll hop in the car to go get more detergent. And of course, when she gets in, she will see that dad has used up all of the gas in the tank (again) and didn’t refill.

She’ll try to make it to the nearest gas station with her fingers crossed the whole time-hoping that she doesn’t run out of gas before she gets there. 

Once she gets there, she’ll be so grateful-that is until she realizes that she left her purse at home. And chances are if she left her purse at home, all of her cash and debit cards are also at home.

She’ll pray a little then take off for her bank, and chances are she’s a member of that odd bank that only has one branch in the entire city, and it just happens to be on the OTHER side of town.

By miracle, she will make it there, but when she gets there, she’ll remember that her ID is in her wallet, and chances are that there is a new teller at the window who doesn’t know her from Adam or Eve.

So she’ll have to wait until new teller goes to get the manager, who knows and recognizes her.

Once she gets the money she’ll pray her way back to the gas station, where chances are she’ll be so frustrated that she’ll spill it all over herself.

She’ll buy the $23 dollar bottle of detergent at the gas station because she’s now very, very, mad and frustrated, and reeked of oil, and she’ll head home. 

When she gets home she’ll put her gas covered clothing along with her son’s basketball clothes in the washing machine.

And chances are it won’t be ‘til the clothes are on the final rinse cycle that she’ll realize that the new heart pendant that you just gave her is still in the pocket……

So if you buy your mom a gift, chances are...

Ringing in the New Year with Black-Eyed Peas

With the new year underway, I have already begin to notice many new efforts in my way of thinking and living, and I must admit, I am very proud of myself.   I have explored some re-solutions to old problems, and I am on my way to working them out.  When I was young, my mom had a tradition of starting every new year by cooking a meal that included black-eye peas.  She would also distribute several of them to each of her nine children for storing in our pockets or wallets for good luck for the upcoming year.  Then we’d all sit together and take turns sharing our new year’s resolutions.  Most of them ended up being something like, “I’m gonna get better grades, or I’m gonna keep my room cleaner,” or the infamous, “I’m gonna listen to my mother and follow her directions.”  As I sit now, I laugh at how that first new year’s sleep must have captured our resolutions and burned them at the stake, because as soon as we woke up,  we were back to our old ways.  By noon of New Year’s day mom was already yelling at us because she had told us at least 5 times by then to wash the morning dishes. 
Fast forward at least 20 years, and here I am celebrating the new year with my own family, including two boys ages 4and 12.  We watched the ball drop, toasted, danced, made resolutions, and returned to The Shining, which was on tv that night (redrum, redrum, redrum…lol).   Both of my kids decided that their resolution was to save more money.  “Hmmm,” I thought to myself, “that might work for the 4 year old, but money burns holes through the pocket of Mr. Twelve Year Old.” But what do I know….if that’s what they want to do, who am I to comment on it. At least it sounded a little more sincere than, “This year I will listen to my mother more.”

My resolution was simply to make and use more time for myself. Whether that meant enjoying a massage or manicure, devoting more time to my personal business projects, or simply lounging on the sofa for two hours straight and enjoying an entire movie without getting up to (excuse my French) wipe someone’s butt, find someone’s missing Nike basketball sock, or heat up someone’s snack.  And this doesn’t mean that I don’t like doing any of those things, I do (except –excuse my French again-the butt wiping).   But I have to learn to reconcile those likes with the fact that I also like to be pampered,  to rest, and every once in a while, to do stuff for myself, by myself.

It’s only day 5 of the new year, and I have already watched a full movie, worked on my personal business project, and started my healthy eating habits again. 
I will be going to the grocery tomorrow to get those black-eye peas. Not because I think they are going to magically help us keep our resolutions, but because seeing and feeling them will remind us that we have made resolutions. No ipads, no apps, no cells, just beans to remind me.
And it’s always good to know……..that kind of reminder comes free-no tips accepted!

New Girl on the Block

So......I'm pretty excited about blogging.  This is my first at this, so I dont speak BLOG really well. I'm basically learning as I go. This will be a fun way for me to explore and reflect on the daily quirks of my current life and kind of reconcile and compare them to my upbringing (growing up in a house of 6 girls and 3 boys.)  Also, since I'm the only girl in the house now, I notice big differences between the thinking processes of males vs females. 

As an English major, and former English teacher (and no-that doenst mean I won't mispel words or over/under puncuate:;!!!) it just means what it means!!!), right now my first inclination is to provide you all with a well thought out syllabus of what is to come....but this is a blog, so I can pretty much throw away the rigid rules/form associated with writing and drive this baby all over the place -so put your seat belts on now!

 Tune in for some fun times! O and by the way-leave your wallet at home...its all FREE: No Tips Accepted!